I need to preface this post by stating that I wrote this post on the 22nd April when I was struggling with being in lock down. I was in such a strange place then and was unable to actually bring myself to sharing it with you. Well, here goes ...
How are you coping with lock down?
For me it’s been a strange combination of ‘Ground Hog Day’ and riding an emotional roller coaster, with the biggest struggle being lack of purpose. Wondering what’s it all for. At the start of lock down I created a Coronavirus mental health list and on that list I put five activities to keep my mind, body and spirit fed during this crises:
1. Plan My Meals (counting the calories so that I don’t put on the predicted Coronavirus 15 pounds).
Update: So far, I've put on five pounds :).
2. Work Out (That's been going great. Been doing very long walks with the hubs and that is helping with keeping the 15 pounds off.)
3. Read for at least 30 minutes (I’m an avid reader so this one has proven to be easy.)
4. Write for at least 30 minutes (This has been a struggle, but I’m beginning to feel the creative flow in this area after several weeks in lock down.)
5. Work on Music (This has been a joy!)
The first few days I found it very helpful to have a routine, and was happily checking off these tasks everyday (one of my greatest joys is completing tasks). But after a week I found myself back to wondering what’s it all for. With all the uncertainty about resuming life as we knew it, I’m finding it hard to get excited about anything.
When there’s so much death and pain around us, reading my books, writing my stories or even working on music feels so trivial. My first single of 2020 is dropping soon and I feel guilty any time I do any social media promotion because it just feels irrelevant. I feel irrelevant.
But there’s still a flicker of purpose buried somewhere deep in my Spirit that keeps propelling me to follow my daily routine and do these things that once brought me a significant amount of joy, but I currently feel numb to, because though it might just be subconsciously, I know that this too shall pass.
If I’m honest, my life isn’t much different that it was before lock down. By nature, I’m a loner and I enjoy being in the house. But, the idea of not having options feels stifling. So I go back to my list, my routine and the false sense of normalcy it gives me. There are some positives that have come from this situation. Each day feels like a gift when so many around me are suffering and dying. Another positive is the realisation that the love between the hubs and I is as strong as it is, because we have NEVER spent this much time together, and there have only been a few mild clashes. And, I can clearly see who and what is truly important to me, because I’m clinging to those things and people as if they are a lifeline, because they are. My friends, family and creating have been my salvation.
So today, I am committing to my survival list and sticking to my routine, even when my heart is not in it, in the hope of returning to a sense of purpose. This is a work in progress.
Update: I have managed to stick to everything In my Coronavirus mental health list but the writing, which thankfully as of today, that particular creative spark seems to be re-igniting!
So, I ask again. How are you coping? Please feel free to share your thoughts either in the comments or at gloriamiller.co.uk.